2011 see ya later alligator

Its new years eve.
2011 is going to move over for fresh starts, new beginnings, clean slates (you get the drift) for 2012.

I am big on goals, list, dreams, hopes so this time of year is perfect for me.
I get to think back on the previous year and make peace with the bad stuff, see how the year has shaped and changed me and start to plan ahead for the new year.

I also get to remember and relive the sweet moments, the simple joy, the big moments, the adventure 2011 delivered and plan for more of the same.

This year I/We

• the Zeke started preschool
• I got diagnosed with intracranial hypertension.
• Turned 29 (eeppp 30 is just around the corner)
• Went to scrap camp and met some cool ladies
• I had neuro surgery in a hospital 2.5 hours away with no loved ones close by.
• Got discharged then thought I was going to die on the side of the road and got sent back to hospital.
• Recovered 
• Watched my friends and family pull together to help my kiddos through my time away.
• Had a breast scare and spent a week thinking OMG its going to be cancer.
• (it wasn't) but I had to have some of my breast removed in day surgery (on my daughters birthday)
• Lala turned SEVEN (whhattttt)
• Recovered AGAIN.
• Went to kidzone and loved it.
• the Zeke turned FOUR
• I spent a weekend in Steward Island with my Aunty... it was amazing.
• Gabe turned NINE (double WHAAATTT)
• Gabe started Keas
• We took a day trip to Dunedin with friends and fam and it was awesome.
• I had numbness in my left arm/hand and after a week of it got sent to Dunedin hospital for another overnighter to make sure it wasn't related to my shunt in the brain (it wasn't).
• the Zeke learnt to count past ten and can recognise more numbers
• Big kiddos were in their first production with school
• Had an awesome Christmas
• Lala pulled out a tooth with NO drama (usually its a tear filled crying saga) she is very proud of herself.

I'm sure there are a million more things I could add to that list but I want to totally sort and declutter my room and the lounge so they start the new year organised.

But I will simply say 2011 changed me. I see things with a new perspective.
I am still a work in progress and always will be but I know I am a better person today because of how 2011 has shaped me. So as hard as 2011 has been I am grateful for the way it has helped me grow.

So i wish you all a very happy new year. I hope you spend it with loved ones. My kiddos are away which is a bizarre feeling as usually we are together.

I'm working on a notebook with my years goals and resolutions.

A toast

I read this tonight and loved it.
Had to share.

A toast
To nearest
To dearest
To the crew
To cahoots
To the ones who’ve been there
To the ones who’ll be there
To dropping everything
To saying anything
To no judgments
To no doubts
To loyalty
To trust
To favors
To lifelongs
To been too long
To nothing’s changed
To having history
To having your back
To moving away
To never too far
To growing up
To settling down
To your second family
To friends

Single parenting.

Parenting full stop is hard. I know all families have their own issues and hard things but i want to write a little about my point of view with being a single mumma.

When I had my first child I was young, naive and so very in love. I truly believed my love was big enough and it would last. The truth was very different. BUT I went into it with the desire and dedication to have a family and to make it stick. I didn't plan to be a single mother, I didn't want to be one.

The breakup of my family was horrible, it took me a long time to let go of the dream of my family being together. I thought I loved my ex for a long time, when in fact I realised it was the dream of my family that I loved.

My ex and I don't get along, for a long time I tried so hard to, I put up with things I shouldn't have because I wanted my kiddos to see their parents get along, I wanted to give them something I didn't have growing up, parents who got along. In the end that wasn't to be, I couldn't move on, I couldn't close the door or my past when it was still sitting in my lounge. And of course simply there were to many arguments between us, we both made mistakes, we both butted heads and the best thing I ever did was distance myself. I needed to give myself the chance to grow away from his influence.

Its been a hard road for myself, and in the last year or so I finally feel like I am getting more control over my emotions with it all. I try to keep my kiddos in mind and think about whats best for them and not make choices based on how I feel (so very hard sometimes). I hope eventually we can have a parenting relationship with more respect. I hope one day I can have a discussion and know I will be listened to and that my requests be taken seriously. Its hard sending your kiddos away when you don't have total faith in their safety.

As a single mumma I hate when people say "I wish I got weekends off", "it must be so nice to have a break".. Yeah you know what.. it is OK having some time off. Its not quite that simple though, I still worry, I still think of them and miss them the entire time.

But day to day.. I would pick a co parent and a relationship over being a single mum and having time off.

Every bit of housework, washing, cooking, yard work, fixing/repairs to the house and of course bikes and outside toys are on me (pet peeve.. me and bikes don't mesh).
All the toilet training, bedtimes routines, showering/bathing, tooth brushing, morning routines, homework, games, stories, discipline, doctors visits, dental visits, school events, teacher visits etc.. ON ME.
I have to deal with the tantrums, the tears, the scrapes and accidents.
I have to budget schooling, clothing, birthdays and christmas.
I have to worry about parenting choices, plans and concerns without someone to sit down with and discuss it.
I am the one woken at night when kids are sick, or just need someone to cuddle them.
I do it all. I don't have a partner in crime to share it all with.
Yes I get some weekends off, yes my kids are loved by their dad.
But me? I don't have someone to share this journey with.
Every choice is mine, every worry is mine.

I would pick a happy family over weekends off any day.
I am tired, lonely and I lose sleep over this job of mine all the time.
I love my kiddos with all my heart, I try and do my best.
But being a single mum is hard.
I want someone to say "your doing good", I want someone to hug me when I am losing my mind, I want someone to come home at the end of the day and help me out a little.

SOOOO if you have a single parent friend, tell her or him that you think they are doing a good job, share the love. I'm sure they will appreciate it.

Resolutions....

Its the time of year when we think back on the previous year, where we plan for the next. Resolution time. There are so many areas of my life, or myself I want to improve, to try harder at, to give major overhauls too.

To start study, which will be a big change but I welcome the challenge.

To continue to build my strength in dealing with my ex partner, to not let his words bother me so much. To keep the distance I need from him and keep the focus on the kiddos. This one is important for me, I need to put my needs first and push on forward and away from the past hurt and anger.

To keep reading (lets aim for 60 books in 2012.. my 2011 goodreads goal was 50)
To keep blogging (lets aim for some more followers just to make me smile)
To keep crafting (pinterest boards overflowing with ideas here)
To get the vege garden sorted and with much less weeds that right now.

To work on presenting myself better to the world. I need to build up the self confidence thing that seems to be so important. Plain and simple I would like to feel pretty. I would like to feel able to put myself out there and maybe one day meet a guy.

To make more time for friends.

To learn to say NO sometimes. My family and personal needs need to come before being a "yes" person sometimes.

To turn 30 (arrghhhhh)

To get a tattoo.

To write more letters (like real ones on paper... old skool)

To continue to grow as a parent and find inspiration in how I do this job.

To let go of fears, of hurt, of things that hold me back from truly embracing life. To embrace all the opportunities that come my way. To be better, to do better, to love life and all that it brings me.

ONE DAY

Excitement levels are in overload.
I am sitting here waiting for the older two kiddos to go to sleep.
Waiting to put pressies out. Waiting to make their dreams come true.

We spent the afternoon today hanging at my besties with her kids and hubby. We sat in the sun and had a few cold ones while kids played, and bickered. It was perfect. I am however a little sunburned. Oppps.

I wish all you reading a MERRY CHRISTMAS I hope you all have a wonderful holiday tomorrow. May your wishes come true.

To Christchurch people, I hope the shakes take it easy on you and you are able to enjoy Christmas without to much more stress.

TWO DAYS

Summer is out in full here and I am loving it.
I am loving kids in togs and board shorts.
I am loving a little girl riding her bike for hours.
I am loving the smell of BBQ wafting through neighbourhoods.
I am loving strawberries and my favourite the cherry.
I am loving salads and new potatoes
I am just loving.

Tomorrow is Christmas eve.
Its strange as an adult. I love Christmas, I love the magic the hope.

But at the same time its different as a grown up. There is more effort, more to do lists, just so much to DO to make Christmas happen. I have downsized this year and I am less stressed which is good.

I am also feeling a little less "in the mood" I guess I feel more lonely at Christmas? I am the single friend finding somewhere to spend Christmas night as her kids are away for the first time. I am the tag along. I wish I had my own person to be with at Christmas. Holidays make me feel rather alone in the world.

On the plus side today was an amazing summer day. We hung out with my dad today which was so fun. I enjoy conversations and time with my dad.

We spent time in Queens park, what a great park it is, amazing to think of how long its been there, the work, effort and money way back then gone into planning and planting this park. We are blessed to have it.

This one is my favourite.

Can I have a nice photo please.... come on SMILE... ohhh COME ON

thanks for trying Zeke

bugger it... I give up.

THREE DAYS

I love my bedroom, its light and airy and my favourite place to relax.
I love sitting here watching day drift into night, going from being able to read my book with ease til my eyes are disagreeing with the fading light. I find dusk to be such a romantic time, not that any romance is happening in my life but I find everything easier to deal with, my day is reflected on happily and I feel at ease. It might just be my favourite time of day. I love that in summer its late enough that i can enjoy it while the kids are settled for the night.

Do you have a favourite time of day?

I was sorting some pressies last night and realised I forgot to get my brother a pressie.. OOOPS.

oh and by the way its finally Christmas to me

1. I have had my first Cherry of the summer. Each year I buy a bag from the little table set up on Esk St a few days before Christmas. They are amazing Cherry's and I never have them before the week of Christmas.
2. I heard Snoopy's Christmas on the radio (playing on YouTube does not count)

So its official. Its Christmas.

Do you have something that you need to have or do or its just not Christmas?

I have been thinking about the phrase "I know what I want for Christmas", I am hearing it a lot lately. Like A LOT especially from one child, actually pretty much only from one child. I'm thinking of banning it next year. It seems its all Christmas is to this kid. What he wants. Now of course as kids pressies are a big part of the day, but am I expecting to much in wishing that wasn't the biggest priority. My other kids wrote down some ideas weeks ago and have not asked since. But ONE is all about what he wants, the biggest, the best, the newest toy. Is this just the way he will always be? I personality trait? or is it something I can work on?

I'm thinking of using this wee rule next year for gift buying.

Something I want
Something I need
Something to wear
and something to read

________________________________________________________________________

My sweet girls bike fell apart today, it was clonking and clunking and looking pathetic and on a ride to the local supermarket the chain fell off I think six times. I said it was time to get rid of it, it was also terribly to small for her.

A friend had told me that she thought they had a spare bike there as her daughter had been going to sell it but it didn't sell when listed on TM. I text her to see if it was still available.

Her daughter insisted on giving it to my Charlie.

 

One blissed out girl, who spent 3 hours riding before I got her in for bed. 

Do you sometime see a photo and think WOW when did she (or he) grow up? This pic made me realise how big she is getting. Look at her long arms and legs, and of course the bazillion dimples. Gosh I love her.

I also gave them an early pressie today.

of course the Zeke decided filling up the pothole in the driveway with water was just as much fun. I "warm bath" he called it.

FOUR DAYS

Today has been the hottest day and the busiest.

We bused uptown this morning to return some library books and go to a few shops, got the kiddos an ice cream and me a iced coffee and headed home on the bus.

Then raced home prepared food for preschool breakup party.
Then went to party and sat in sun while kids played for ages and Santa popped in for a wee visit.

Then got home sat down for 5mins before heading back uptown to see Santa again and get a photo of them all together.

 

We then braved the warehouse and the supermarket and then came home, the kiddos blobbed out inside out of the heat. I mowed lawns, did some jobs and cooked dinner. I wish I was a kid sometimes.

Tomorrow is housework and laundry catchup day.

Make some chocolates day.

Dip pretzels in chocolate day.

Wrap the last of the pressies day.

and gosh knows what else day.

because..

We start celebrating on Friday.

Friday we have a meal and swap pressies with my Aunty and cousins.

Saturday I hang with my bestie and her kiddos and have a meal and swap pressies.

Then of course Sunday is Christmas.

I cannot wait to hang out with everyone. See the kiddos faces as they get pressies. Eat good food. Drinks a few cold ones and just have a nice time.

 

FIVE DAYS

Its getting so real. FIVE DAYS.

Whats crazy is.... I am not stressed. I will admit I am worried by how unorganised I am, but stressed? nope. Freaking out??? NOPE... I know deep down that it will all sort itself out, that by Christmas eve I will have done what needs to be done. Yes money is tight and I have alot more to do before then but what will be will be. Christmas will be fun, and for once I will not be so stressed I do not get to enjoy it.

This year has taught me so much. I am learning to slow down, to appreciate the little things. I always make so much effort at Christmas to give my children joy. yes somehow seem to miss it myself. Not this year.

I keep thinking back to my childhood Christmases, what I remember. What I hope my children will remember and what they one day might carry on as they have families. Traditions are awesome.

What are your special family traditions?
Every year I hear more cool ideas, I wish I could do them all.

A picture just because :)

Slightly late SIX DAYS post

OOppppsss sleep called me last night. Not blogging.

We didn't do much christmassy stuff yesterday. What I did do was spent 4 hours cleaning my mothers lounge and kitchen. My kiddos helped. I did bribe them. But they helped and actually got into it.

In the afternoon we got a parcel. It was juice. Sightly random.

We had a juice tasting party.

That's my favourite thrifted cup on the right. On a mission to find more similar.

This juice is really nice. I am not a big juice drinker as most of it just doesn't impress me much.

Terrible photo... oooops she was laughing so hard

Charotte loved the farmstyle apple and said the orange "makes my eyes do this" *insert a bit of a twitch* I think that's a sign of a good strong orange juice... well strong to a kiddo I personally thought it was a rather great orange juice.

 

the Zeke however loved that orange juice. Thought it was pretty awesome in fact.

The strawberry kiwifruit was nice and would IMO be nice mixed with a little vodka or something... just saying.

Thanks Just juice.

SEVEN DAYS - Fondue and hot chocolate

One week to go....

Today has been an up and down day. Some family drama put me in a worrying, thinking kind of mood since this afternoon. But before that it was kinda fun. The kiddos got a bit ratty so we headed for a walk to the school to play.. then hung out at home this afternoon.

Tonight the kiddos are hanging out in:

 

 and are just finishing these:

Pour milk in pot
Heat til warm
Stir in decent chocolate
Keep stirring til HOT
Pour in cup
Top with whipped cream
and sprinkles
Pop candy cane in cup for stirring

YUMMY

Hope you all have a great week before Christmas :)

EIGHT DAYS

What a nice day.... well to be honest there were a few hairy moments where I turned around to find a new mess in an area previously tidy that made me want to have a tiny tantrum. BUT otherwise its been a nice day. Charlie slept over with our cousins last night, so it was just the boys and I this morning. Then Gabe went off to a birthday party so it was just the Zeke and I for a while. We made chocolates and had fun watching the smurfs and eating popcorn.

will share a pic of the house all made when wee make it up. 

Fast forward to tonight and the kiddos are all home and curled up in Gabes bed watching a DVD and I have just finished rearranging and tidying the lounge. It feels nice and fresh.

Missions for 2012 and my living room.

1. Get some prints or art for the walls
2. Make some colourful cushion covers 
3. Get a coffee table I actually like

Its not flash... but its mine.. :)